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Duties and Responsibilities; Honest Lies

August 30th, 2012 Posted by General No Comment yet

Duties and Responsibilities – Honest Lies

Today is the first time in my life when I felt trapped. I felt as if all of the choices in life were just; that choice, one that you can’t possibly make; not at all real, there to fancy my intellectual mind – a willful carrot to reward me one fine day; but not now; not when I still have some youth in me; not when I have time and interest; not when life is at its most meaningful.

Duties and Responsibilities

I can’t say that I can actually choose anything. But I always thought I’m the master of my destiny and I lived it as if I really am.  I have duties and responsibilities that I thought I have to fulfill. I’m a son, a brother, a husband and a friend.  Sure, my choices are not the title I inherited but the actual relationships I have. I choose the kind of relationship I have as a son, a brother, a husband and a friend. I did that.

I kept my end.  Tell me that I didn’t do all of that with effort; that my idle ways must have brought about it; that it just is.  No, I say, it is with some effort and duties and responsibilities fulfilled. It must be, not, my action is in vain. Did I not endure the parties that go on long after I was tired; the boredom conversation that passes like a slow, dreary, drifting windless night in Singapore?

I believe that life is what we make of it. Am I mislead, like a child and some honest lies tailored for youth? I have outgrown my youth and believe. Is this too, another one, I dare not say, but true; another believe have departed. I didn’t cheer it as I did when knowing that I had known something back then that my younger siblings didn’t, because I’m older; what joy that was; simple joy in knowing, a passage or status achieved.  Something was different about knowing that life is not what I can make of it. I met it as if a dear friend have departed and I was left, among, a sea of youthful innocence, only now there is no joy in being older. No joy at all.

No Choices

I have no choices in life because I have to fulfill my duties and responsibilities.  It is easy for a soldier to know of one’s duties and responsibilities. I found it extremely hard for a selfish soul like me. I’ve done what I thought was best, at the time, what more could I do? I did what I was told; play, learn then work. I remembered. I tried to keep the play, learn and work in everything I do, honest.

I’ve tried. A lifetime of tried, empty and useless, but all is not without effort.  Am I foolish; not all is for nothing? Can you tell me with a clear scene what are my duties and responsibilities?  What must I fulfill before I’ve given my all and the will of my soul vanished one fine summer day while my decaying bones mark an untraceable tale of duties and responsibilities fulfilled?

I just want to go somewhere; to have a new start, a place where a new beginning is possible, not down the street, where the neighbors are different and the lights are better. Somewhere I can stretch and lay my tiresome head; full of worries, doubts and fears.  Is there a place like that, it doesn’t exists?  It must.  I will find it, you will see. Reality is different; I can’t, so I’m told.

Realization

I have duties and responsibilities. I have a car payment; insurance bill; debts from the past accumulated from stupidity and ignorance.  Must my mistakes be my eternal burden? Can’t I have a fresh start?  What if I give you all that I have, my tormentor and friend; you my duties and responsibilities; you, who are still unclear, even after all of my worries, loomed large and unsure. Am I but an animal trapped thinking I could do what I want, that I am my own destiny, like a child believing in honest lies?

Copyright 2012 by fartingcamel.com

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